I don’t want to die!
Not yet, not like this.
There is still something, something that I missed, there has to be.
I see that others have found it, waking in the morning, going about their business during the day and laying their head to rest at night, yet I can’t do this.
I can’t go through the motions, day in and day out, always the same.
There has to be something that keeps them going, something I don’t see, something I don’t understand.
Someone can’t just live for the sake of living, right?
This purposeless existence of mine, this waste of a life I am, there has to be something to turn it around.
I have been told it has happened to others so I know there is a way.
Those like me who have lost their way, who have gone beyond the point of no return but who managed to find their way back, somehow.
Why can’t I?
What am I missing?
It is infuriating.
I know that there is something out there, something to give me the life I long for, something that gives me a reason to be yet I have not a clue where or what it is.
Asking the others did not help, they did not understand, they did not get what I meant and those who claimed they did had nothing to offer me.
There was even a point where I thought there really was nothing, that all people are just constantly looking for a reason to exist, a purpose to their life, but that can’t be, right?
All of these people, they can’t be like me right?
Just empty husks hobbling along until their time comes, always fearing that most inevitable of fates.
Maybe it is the fear?
The fear of the unknown, the fear of what might happen when the lights go out, when the final breath has been drawn, or perhaps it is because of what won’t happen.
A fear of nothingness, of a dark, empty void, neigh, less than that even.
But that can’t be it, I think…
Maybe one day, maybe one day I will manage to find it!
One day when I will find what the others have already found.
The day I find a reason.